Apology

Friend-

The condolences that I wish to extend

Can by no means begin to express

The regret I feel for having hurt you.

 

I miss the banter that we shared,

The openness that is now vacant from my life.

It was this free tongue that wounded me

Yet I wish it was here still.

 

Perhaps if you were here,

You could save me from this.

Shake me from my stubborn will.

Open my eyes to my own foolishness.

 

Where have you gone, friend?

Does it not matter that I am lost?

Has my pride offended you so much

That you care no more for me?

 

I pray someday you will forgive me.

I was a fool and so cruel.

I should have considered your opinion

Perhaps for this, my heartache is justified.

 

What is my Destiny?

I often wonder why life throws us such curveballs. This isn't how my life was supposed to be, I know it. Somewhere I went dreadfully wrong. I was supposed to be published by now. Instead, I put down my pen, and pretty much lost it for eight years. Eight years without writing! There was a time in my life when I could not go but a few hours without writing something, anything. Even random rambling things like this, at least it was writing. I was supposed to have a family by now, a couple of children and a loving husband. Instead, I have one beautiful son, and an ex-husband and a wounded heart. What have I done to deserve such failings? I wanted to have a job that I loved, and now I am unemployed for reasons that I cannot fathom. I was a hard worker, and that counted for nothing. My life is in shambles, and I have no idea what my next step will be.

Part of me believes that there is a plan for us. Destiny, perhaps, would be a better idea than a hapless existence. I want to believe in destiny. I want to believe that there is something guiding us, driving us to utilize our full potential. What is potential if destiny is fictional? Does potential exist if there is not a grander schematic? I have a hard time believing that how I live my life now is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I refuse to accept that. There must be something more. I want happiness, perhaps more than anything. Success would be nice, along with a comfortable living, but I would gladly forsake those things as long as I could just live happily. By living happily, I believe this entails having a family who cares about me, and surrounding me with people who stimulate my thought processes. I have this strange notion that the only thing a person leaves behind in this world that matters is their offspring, or people that they have impressed themselves upon. I could die penniless, without success in anything, but happy, if I knew that my children were of strong character and sound mind. That is because the fact of the matter is, anything I write, will eventually fade away. Anything I create will eventually decay. I will be forgotten by all, but my memory might carry on, if not my DNA, if I am a good parent. My children (or child, at this point) will remember me, and perhaps pass on some of my teachings to his children, or people he knows. I know my parents have. I hope that my children hold me in the regard that my siblings and I hold our parents.

Life is strange. I cannot continue to lament my dreams. Granted, my life is not what I thought it would be. I am unemployed. I am divorced. Maybe destiny does exist. Perhaps everything happens for a reason. I am writing again, and I have something in my life so many dream of. Sometimes life gets me in a funk. I just need to remember when it does, that I have love, and destiny is propelled by love. Love drives people on, and inspires. I will write, and I will love. That is what my life has always been about, and what will always be.

Where do I begin?

I live in a small town in South Dakota....By small I mean that the population is about 1000 people, and that's counting the residents of the nursing home. Everyone knows everyone. It's a nice place. People take care of each other here. My grandparents lived here when I was a child, and my grandmother still does. After a whirlwind courtship, 3 years ago I married a local rancher, and settled in, and my little boy was born on a chilly November morning in 2006. It was supposed to be the good life...We were supposed to be happy. He promised to love me forever. I remember. I was going to be able to have 5 chickens. It was silly....Because it was hard, and harder yet because of the expectations we held for each other. It wasn't a fairytale. Through the course of this blog, I am going to tell you my story....and maybe you'll learn a little about South Dakota, and a little about life too, without having to go through the things that I did. Perhaps also, you'll see why I stay in this small town, and why I always hope that someday my life will straighten out.